Supposed to give permission to be...
Back on my blogger BS: When your therapist asks a question
ICYMI: My Tiny Garage reading
The December session for Oakland’s Tiny Garage was the storyteller edition. My friend Maddie hit me with a text inviting me on their stage and I wasnt going to say No. Here’s the link with some amazing storytellers, including yours truly. My reading is at 32 minute mark.
Perspective: “Supposed to”
I used to write about wellness and finding a better perspective for a friend’s blog. For those who don’t know, I started my semi professional writing journey as a blogger for Sis Circle, some of which have been republished for WHET zine. I might reshape some of those and bring them back.
To some extent I still do with this blog but not as consistently. The search for gold while in creation (literally and figuratively) has been overwhelming me and my survival instincts have kicked into high gear as of late.
In a session with my therapist, we had been working on some deeply rooted and long held beliefs about the survival versions of myself. I asked the question about “Who I am supposed to be in the next phase of my life?”
She corrected me by reminding me “supposed to be” was a limiting belief. The issue I was having with “supposed to be” was what I think many of us as adults have.
We were told to follow a path by people we trusted in past versions of ourselves and we followed it. “Go to college and get the good job.” “Boys don’t wear pink.” “He’s a good man. You will never find another like him.” “Don’t ask, don’t tell.”
“That’s none of your business.” This one is a little bit trickier to navigate. Navigating the tightrope of my savior complex was a different therapy session I’ll save for another day.
On the one hand, “none of your business” is self preservation— that co-worker that overshares. It can be boundary setting with that friend that borrows money they never repay. It’s intentionally avoiding taking on a burden that may be repeating patterns with that friend that keeps going back to their ex.
On the other side of the spectrum, it’s turning a blind eye to abuse or discrimination and turning your back on any systematic issue because you “don’t want to get involved.” We are all surviving something.
These tropes and cliches that we use to survive are also the same ones that keep us in a place of complacency with dormant skills and broken hearts.
In some cases following those paths and listening at the onset was a great decision. These decisions and all of that advice, much like spoiled milk, has an expiration date. It was something you needed in the moment to build good bodies and strong bones.
And much like the milk campaign was a marketing myth, we often find the myth in being told we the pre -designated way of struggle to build good bodies and strong bones. Life was going to humble us anyway. We never needed the myth. All the things we were “supposed to do…” kept doors closed that were otherwise opened.
Change is inevitable. Our minds change. Friends come and go. Jobs will replace us.
So when my therapist corrected me that "supposed to be was a limiting belief”. I then re- questioned myself “Who do I choose to be in this next phase of my life?”
I’m pretty sure it will still be someone problematic but I’ll meet her when she emerges.